How Far?
by VanillaBug
Summary: As Lurie walked out she watched him sigh after the words had left his heart. The words she so longed to hear... the words that said he wanted her too. Post Butterflied PairingGrissomSara
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: How Far 1/6

AUTHOR: Vanillabug1

RATING:T but it works its way to M

CATEGORY: G/S Romance/Angst

DISCLAIMER: Don't own anything!

SPOILERS: Story stake place exactly where "Butterflied" left off. Anythinig up to that point is fair game

SUMMARY: As Lurie walked out she watched him sigh after the words had left his heart. The words she so longed to hear... the words that said he wanted her too.

**How Far 1/6**

As Lurie walked out she watched Grissom sigh after the words had left his heart. The words she so longed to hear, the words that said he wanted her too. Sara was so wrapped up in her own thoughts and feelings that she didn't feel Brass's presence as he stood next to her.

"Pretty messed up isn't it?" Brass finally said.

Startled, she turned her head at the sound of his voice. She regained her composure and turned back looking at abruised man.

"Yeah he is."

"I meant the case Sara."

"Oh ... Yeah. I hate it when they walk," she offered

"Some advice Sara," he placed a hand on her shoulder and whispered, "Let it go … let him go."

She turned to face him once again as he patted her shoulder and walked away. She sighed as she turned back to see a broken and beaten Gil Grissom still sitting the same position. How could she let him go after what had just happened? He wanted her. He wanted to be with her.

_"I couldn't do it."_

Not wouldn't … but couldn't. After everything they have been through, she wasn't going to give up now. A light had come on that was once turned off. But she realized that even though time had passed, that light never went out. It had just faded. She took a deep breath and walked around the corner into the interrogation room.

He didn't look up when she entered. He didn't look up when she sat in a chair beside him. She placed her hand on top of his. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He finally moved his head up to look at who had sat beside him. As soon as their eyes met, Grissom withdrew his hands from under Sara's like they had burned his skin.

"Sara."

"Grissom. Are you okay?" she replied her voice full of concern…full of love.

"Sara, what are you doing here? You are supposed to be in the lab with Greg finding something else to nail Lurie on," his voice agitated almost angered.

"I ... um ... Grissom there is nothing left. We don't have anything concrete to go on. No jury would convict him on what we have. We ... we tried Grissom, so um ... I came down here to see if he would slip up when you and Brass talked to him ... I just ... "

"How long have you been here?" he interrupted, eyes staring at the floor.

""Um ... I don't know ... um ... " she started.

"Sara, how long have you been here?" he repeated, stern and more agitated.

She sighed

"The entire interrogation," she said reluctantly.

With that statement his eyes darted up to meet hers. His full of shock, embarrassment, and humility. But hers … hers were filled with compassion, understanding and love. The contact was broken when he stood from his chair and pushed it behind him with his foot in anger.

"You were watching the whole thing? Damn it Sara!" he shouted as he headed for the door.

"Grissom you told Lurie that you couldn't do it! Not wouldn't, but couldn't. Why can't you?" she said as she stood up and blocked him from the door.

She continued with tears starting in her eyes "Here I am. Right here in front of you. I have always been in front or behind you Grissom, when all I have ever wanted to do is stand beside you. To have you, stand beside me. To be with you. To be together … to be an us. We can do this Gil. It's not to late. Grissom please talk to me," she pleaded between tears.

"Leave me alone Sara," he replied as he moved her aside out of his way.

"Don't you dare shut me out Grissom! Not now! After what just happened, you can just walk out that door and leave me here?" she shouted.

"You don't get it Sara. I could never leave you. Ever. But I can't ever be with you either. There is just to much." he paused and let out a deep sigh, "It's not worth it."

When he spoke those last four words she could hear her heart begin to break. He saw the hurt and betrayal in her eyes and started to walk back to her. He placed his hands, cupping her face, and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.

"**_I'm_** not worth it. You deserve someone who can be there with you. Someone young who can live his life with you. A younger man who can _**give**_ you a life."

"Grissom don't you understand ... you are my life. Everything I do is for you. I can't wait to go to work each day because I know I will see you, get to be with you. When we work cases together ... Grissom ... you can't even begin understand how that makes me feel. Just to be near you. I've tried other relationships, but no one, and I mean no one, can compare to you. All I am asking for is a chance. Please Grissom … just let me in," she softly cried.

They heard footsteps approaching. He sighed as he removed his hands from her face and walked back to the door.

"Hey Griss lets go we gotta get back to the lab." Catherine said as she noticed Sara in the room. "Oh … I thought you were at the lab with Greg?" she noticed the tears in her eyes and looked at Grissom then back to Sara, "You okay honey?"

All Sara could do is nod as if all was as it should be.

"Catherine I'll meet you outside." Grissom said hoping she would take the hint. Which of course she did.

"Okay," Catherine replied as she walked down the LVPD hall.

Grissom stood, his back to Sara. He took a deep breath and sighed but then he let out a slight laugh.

"Sara, you asked me to let you in, I can't because you are already in. You are in my thoughts, you are in my dreams, in my desires, in my life, in my heart. Sara ... you are in every part of me. You are in all of me, I don't want you to ever doubt that."

With that Gil Grissom left. Walking out of the interrogation room with his head in his hands. Leaving his heart and soul with an crying, emotionally broken Sara Sidle.


	2. Chapter 2

**How Far 2/6**

Gil Grissom was walking down the hall of the LVPD feeling both physically and emotionally exhausted. The last 36 hours had been brutal to say the least. Hell, the last 10 minutes felt like someone had put a knife through his heart.

There she was … right in front of him. She was offering him all he had ever wanted, and he had pushed her away. It was for her own good he convinced himself. Well, he tried to convince himself anyway.

As he walked out of the doors to the PD to the parking lot, he could see the clouds forming with the smell of rain not far behind. He chuckled softly. To him, it was a perfect ending to the last few days.

He reached the car and collapsed in the passenger's seat.

"Let's go Cath," he said, the exhaustion evident in his voice.

The strawberry blonde just glared at him. Something had happened and it wasn't just the case this time. She had known Gil Grissom for to long not to notice when something was wrong. Since Sara was there … and she was crying, it doesn't take a detective to figure out what the problem might be.

After a few moments of silence, Grissom realized that they were not moving. He could feel her eyes staring straight into him. He wasn't in the mood for this. Eyes still closed he leaned back into the seat a little more.

"Leave it alone Catherine. Let's go." he sighed

Catherine rolled her eyes and reluctantly started the car. She knew him to well. If she pushed, he would just shut down even further. How could a simple intelligent man make life so complicated? She knew he wanted her. Hell, everyone knew Grissom wanted Sara. They felt the tension, heard the flirting and saw the connection.

She would be the first to admit she didn't like Sara at the beginning. Until then, Catherine had been the only woman in the testosterone ocean, and she liked it that way. When Sara came along, suddenly all of the flirtations and affections were showered on her. But after a while, the tension eased and Catherine realized that Sara was right; two sharp women were better than one.

As the two women worked together more and more, a surprising friendship was formed. They were not on each others speed dial list or anything along those lines, but both welcomed the idea of a womanly bond at the lab.

In the time she had known Sara, Catherine had had her suspicions that she was in love with Grissom. But, it wasn't until after the whole Hank issue that she had really known for sure. Catherine felt bad for her so she offered to take her out . She remembered that conversation like it was yesterday.

"Sara, just letting ya know, Hank isn't worth it honey."

Sara took a sip of her beer

"You want my honest opinion? He wasn't all that attractive, and I don't think all the lights were on upstairs if you get my drift. I mean come on! You move evidence at a scene, and then try and place it back the way it was? Even a rookie knows better than that. Hell, I'd prefer it if by chance anyone does move anything if they just told us instead of trying to cover it up." Catherine said.

"You heard about that?" Sara asked , confusion in her eyes

"Warrick. Big Mouth. He is worse than women when it comes to spreading gossip," she paused a moment "…baby."

Catherine thought her attempt at a joke got misinterpreted. Sara looked up from her bottle, looked straight at Catherine and a smile crept to her face as both women began to laugh.

"Seriously honey, forget about it. There are plenty of fish in the sea," she stated taking a sip of her beer.

Sara looked back at her bottle. Her fingers traced the rim, contemplating Catherine's statement

"Yeah Catherine, but ya know, whoever said that was wrong. Sometimes there is only one fish."

"Honey, Hank wasn't your fish!"

"Oh ... hell Catherine I know that! Please give me a little credit. With Hank I was trying to move on, he was more of a 'rebound' relationship if you will."

Catherine was surprised to say the least.

"Rebound? I didn't know you were dating anyone." she replied.

Sara brought the bottle to her lips and took a big swig. She let out a large breath as she set the bottle back down.

"Grissom."

Catherine knew the response before she even spoke it. Nothing ever happened between Sara and Grissom but she knew Sara wanted something to.

"You love him don't you?" she asked bluntly.

"No." she paused "Catherine, I don't know what it is. It's more than love. I have been in love before and love doesn't hurt this much."

She snapped back to reality when she realized she was pulling into the lab parking lot. A feeling suddenly came over Catherine. She realized she was pissed off. And the source of this new found feeling was sitting in the seat next to her.

"You're an idiot!" she blurted out.

Grissom's eyes snapped open

"Excuse me?"

"You. Are. An. Idiot!" she repeated .

"Damn it Catherine, I told you to leave it alone." Grissom replied opening the door to the Tahoe.

"All she wants is for you to love her Griss. And I know you already do. We all know you do. Griss, you have a chance to be happy. You two make a great team here. Just think about what a team you would make outside the lab. Partners in work, partners in life. You two need each other. Why does everyone else see it but you? You are so damn stubborn!"

"Catherine you just don't understand. It's to … " he started

"No Gil, YOU don't understand! I don't know what happened between you two in that room and frankly it's none of my business. What I DO know is that you took this case and made it personal. How many times have you told us never to make it personal? Then you turn yourself into a hypocrite and do what you taught us never to do. The only reason it became personal was because of Sara. I know it killed you to see Debbie because you saw Sara … your Sara, Gil. It hurt you to think that someone could make your Sara, cold … pale …her throat slit … dehumanize her. The woman you love Gil ... lifeless."

"It's none of your business Catherine. Stay out of it," he raged trying to keep his anger in check.

He got out of the Tahoe, slamming the door with such force that it shook the car. But Catherine didn't let up. She knew if she did ,all hope for Sara and Grissom would be lost. She was doing the hard part, breaking him down so all that he had left to do was love her. She was taking the hit for Sara, taking the barrier down for her. If this worked, Sara owed her big time. Thinking like this was killing Catherine too.

"Admit it Grissom! You thought you were saving Sara! That you were solving Sara's murder!" she shouted running after him.

She grabbed his arm and turned him to face her.

"Griss, Sara is not dead. The victim's name was Debbie Marlin. Debbie Marlin Griss, not Sara Sidle. Sara is alive. Everyday I see her breathing. Grissom I've seen her touch things, I've seen her smell the air I've even seen her feel. But Grissom the only time I ever see her live … is when she is around you."

She paused slightly and took a hold of his hand intertwining her fingers with his.

"Right now Griss, the walls that both you and Sara put are coming down. When I walked into that room today, I could feel it. Grissom I can't tell you how sorry I am that I interrupted whatever that was. Something was happening and my bad timing broke the spell. But Griss, there is still magic between the two of you. Don't let it die."

Catherine looked him in the eyes and gently squeezed his hand.

"We all deserve a chance to be happy. Sara is your chance. Take it. Take that chance," she finished.

His eyes lowered from hers staring at their intertwined hands. In that moment Catherine saw something flicker in his eyes. He leaned down and placed the lightest of kisses on her cheek.

"Thank you," he whispered.

All Catherine could do was smile as he headed to his car. If they did end up together she was going to ask for a raise.


	3. Chapter 3

**How Far 3/6**

**Sara Sidle's Apartment**

She was so very tired. She struggled with the lock to her door. All Sara Sidle wanted to do was crawl inside her apartment and try and forget today had ever happened. Finally winning her struggle with the lock, she threw her keys on the table and her jacket over a barstool.

She looked around her apartment, what had become part of a sad excuse for a life. She promised herself she would never go back to the way she was when she first came to Vegas. Another broken promise but this time it hurt more cause it was a promise she made to herself.

Old science journals, empty packages and catalogs littered what was supposed to be her living room. Feeling her emotions start to build again, she grabbed her trash can, and with an odd sense of déjà vu, she picked anything and everything that trash can could hold and threw it inside . She sat down on a barstool and surveyed the room making sure she got everything. She felt an odd sense of relief. She turned herself around only to have the tears start to build again when she looked at the refrigerator.

Nothing but menus and phone numbers of restaurants.

She placed her head in her hands and finally gave in to the tears that beckoned to be shed.

**Gil Grissom's Apartment**

He had no idea how he made it home. He was in a daze ever since he left Catherine in the Lab parking lot. He started driving to Sara's house but he couldn't make the turn. She wouldn't talk to him anyway. Would she? Of course not, he wouldn't be surprised if he walked in tomorrow and her resignation was on his desk.

Wouldn't be the first time. Wouldn't be the first time he was the cause of it either. The image of her standing there, tears down her face pleading to him not to give up still haunted him. But it was all for the best, 'they' could never be. He looked around his apartment and finally realized how very alone he was. The part that killed him the most was he didn't have to be alone. Sara could be there with him. Loving him.

He would never do that to her. He was too old. She was young and beautiful, she would never stay with him. She would tire of him, want someone younger, leave him brokenhearted to die alone. He was her supervisor, jobs would be at stake and he would never let her loose her job over him. She was too good at what she did. And he wasn't worth it.

He walked into the kitchen and grab the bottle of vodka that Catherine and him always shared when they had breakfast together. Grab a glass and poured himself a shot. Looking at his empty apartment he downed it. He felt it burn as it ran down his throat. He poured himself another shot and just as he was about to let it slide his phone rang.

He pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID.

Catherine

"What is it Catherine?" he answered.

"You haven't gone to see her yet have you? If you had, I know for damn sure you wouldn't be picking up your phone."

"Nothing can be done Catherine. With the positions we both are in its against policy. I will not risk her job. Beside I'm to old for her," he stated wallowing in self pity.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF … look Grissom you are sounding like you got one foot in the grave already. Damn, your not that old! That would make ME old-er and I am not old! Besides, age doesn't matter Griss as long as everything still works."

There was a long pause … a long awkward pause.

"Of course everything works!" Grissom finally said.

"Just checking. Listen to me as long as you two keep the bedroom out of the office no one is ever gonna know. And the people who do know, don't care, in fact the people who already know would prefer you guys finally did something about it."

"If Ecklie found out he would go straight to the director and …" he started.

"Ecklie's not going know. That man is so self involved, you could probably throw Sara down have sex right in front of him and he wouldn't notice. Stop making excuses Gil. Take a chance." and with that she hung up.

Grissom grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

**Sara Sidle's Apartment**

She stared at the phone and the paper she held in hand. Who was she kidding, she hit the number 3 on her speed dial.

"Hi this is Sara Sidle at 1101 Brayton Street."

"Ah Miss Sidle, how are you tonight?" the young guy asked.

"Doing good James. How are you?" she replied.

"Awesome proposed to Jenny and she said Yes!" he said excitedly.

"Oh … sweet. I'm happy for you. Congratulations."

"Thanks Miss Sidle. So, you going for your usual tonight," he asked.

"Um … yes please James." she sighed into the phone.

"No problem, but it may be a little over 45 min till I can bring it to ya. We are freaking swamped man! Rain brings everyone out. That cool Miss Sidle?"

"Yeah James, no big deal."

"Alright, no sweat. I will be there as soon as I ca,." he answered, urgency in his voice.

"Thanks James."

"You got it Miss Sidle. Later"

She hung up the phone turned on the stereo and headed to her bathroom. She could hear the country music station as she turned the shower on its hottest setting. She stepped inside and let the steam and scalding water help soothe her. It was here where the stress of the day forced more tears to fall.

She tired to cry out the day. She tried to cry out Gil Grissom. If only she had stayed in the lab none of this would have happened. What was she going to say when she saw Grissom? What could she say? Then she remembered this was Grissom. He's going to act just like he has in the past … as if nothing had happened. Every moment they have shared, she often wondered if she just imagined it all.

When there was no strength left in her to cry, skin red and numb from the water she turned off the shower. She threw on her track pants and a tank top and headed into the living room, towel drying her head as she went.

She sat down in her favorite, over stuffed chair and let the cushions and the sound of country music to consume her. If only Greg knew she listened to country music he would never talk to her again. Just as she started to relax there was a knock at the door.

Grabbing her wallet from the purse on the breakfast bar and headed toward the door.

"James I thought you said 45 minutes at least. You're early buddy," she said opening the door, still fumbling with her wallet. "How much is it again?" She looked up and to her surprise she looked into the eyes of a beaten … and wet Gil Grissom.


	4. Chapter 4

**How Far 4/6**

She stood in the doorway, paralyzed by fear, shock and a strange sense of excitement. What was he doing? Hadn't he had enough? Didn't he put her through enough? Didn't he cause enough pain for one day? But there he was, standing in front of her … staring at her. He was staring at her. She suddenly realized that she had been standing there for a few minutes not saying anything. All the thoughts running through her head never made it to her lips.

"Grissom what are you ... you're wet," was all she could muster.

"So are you" he said pointing to her hair.

She reached up and touched her damp hair and offered a weak smile.

"It's raining and I couldn't find a close parking spot to your building so ... I kinda had to walk a little."

She sighed, noticing his discomfort from being wet. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, waiting to be asked in. She wasn't ready for that yet.

"Grissom what are you doing here?"

"I ... um ... think we need to talk."

"About what?" she replied.

"About what happened today, about everything."

"What's left to say Grissom? You made it pretty clear exactly how you felt, what you wanted."

"Sara it's not that simple."

"Oh really? That's funny, 'cause about two hours ago it **was** that simple for you. You said your peace and then you walked out. You just walked away," she almost whispered as she felt the lump start to rise in her throat.

"Sara please … "

" 'Please' what Grissom? What?"

"You have to let me explain."

"Explain what? 'I can't be with you' Pretty self explanatory isn't it? That's my Grissom. Cut, dry and straight to the point."

At that moment she saw him shiver slightly. Reluctantly she opened her door a little more. All she could do was sigh as she gave him a silent invitation inside. He closed the door as she disappeared into the other room.

Grissom looked around her apartment careful not to move to much while dripping water on her floor. Entertainment center was on one wall. A desk in the corner, couch and loveseat facing the entertainment center and a coffee table in the middle of the room. Behind him was the kitchen and a small breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. Very Sara.

Sara returned handing him a towel. He removed the forensics jacket that he had been wearing for the last 36 hours and placed it on the barstool next to Sara's. Patting himself down with the towel he realized that he wasn't that wet. In fact, his shirt was dry, as were his pants. His shoes and the bottom of his pant legs were the only things still wet.

After wiping his face he handed the towel back to Sara. She retreated down the hall and Grissom heard what he thought was shuffling coming from the bedroom. When she emerged she was holding a small white piece if paper in her hands.

She handed it to him and once he read it … he understood.

"From Grissom" he whispered shaking his head.

"Straight to the point." she repeated.

"I can't believe you kept that."

"Of course I did … it was from you. The plant however met an end about 3 months ago. Sorry."

"Lasted longer than flowers right?"

They both chuckled softly. Then a sudden seriousness came over the room. If it wasn't for the country music playing in the background you could have heard a pin drop.

"If she hadn't been there … " he muttered under his breath.

"If 'who' hadn't been there?" she asked never missing a beat.

Grissom moved across the room to take a seat on the couch. He placed his elbows on his knees as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Catherine." he paused "If Catherine hadn't been there the day I sent it, I would've had the card say something different."

"Like what?" she asked.

"I don't know. Surely something better than 'From Grissom'"

"Like what?" she pushed

"I don't know Sara. Look I didn't come here to talk about some stupid card from a plant."

"Why did you come here?" she crossed her arms in front of her chest

"Like I said ... to explain"

"I said no explanation needed. I get it. You want me, but you can't take the risk. I'm an adult Grissom. I think I can figure some things like that out."

"You are young and you're so beautiful. You **_had_** your whole life ahead of you. I held you back from living it."

"I _**had**_ my whole life ahead of me? Grissom my heart may be in a million pieces right now, but my life isn't over."

He finally looked up through glossy eyes. All of the anger and anguish faded from her face when she saw his eyes pleading with her. She walked over and knelt down on both knees in front of him. She kissed his hands before covering them with her own. She rested her chin on top of their joined hands. Looking into his eyes she finally realized what he couldn't find the words to say.

"Grissom that wasn't me. I'm right here in front of you, living and breathing ... for you. The only thing that Debbie and I have in common is the way we look. I am nothing like her. I would never hurt the people that love me. Or the people that I love. I would never hurt you like that."

"There is no way to be sure," he said.

"How can you say that Grissom? I drop my whole life in San Francisco four years ago to come here. To help you … to be with you. Nights off, I listen to the scanner just to see if its you that's going to respond to a scene. And if it is you, then I make up some stupid excuse to rush over there and be with you. It kinda sad really. My whole life here has been about you. Grissom I am so in love with you sometimes it is painful."

She placed a finger under his chin holding his face up to meet her eyes.

"I am so very much in love with you. Grissom … I love you. All I am asking for is a chance to show you my love. I have so much to give you Grissom." she paused tears coming down her face, "I promise if you just let me show you how much I love you. Then you might finally understand that I could never take my love away for you away without dying first."

His tears matched her own as the connection was broken by the sound of a knock on her door.

"Damn it James." she sighed getting off the floor.

She wiped the tears from her face as she once again grabbed her wallet and headed toward the door. Meanwhile, Grissom leaned back into the back of the couch taking deep breaths. Looking back towards the couch she saw Grissom building the barrier between them once again. Shit! She was so close. He was right there with her, she knew he was.

"Hey, what's up Miss Sidle?" the young blonde man said.

"Hi James."

"Yo Miss Sidle, you alright?" he asked noticing her red eyes.

"Yeah James everything's okay. How much do I owe you?"

"Um … 10.50. You sure you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine. Here ya go keep it." she said as she handed him a 20.

"Whoa!"

"To help you pay for the ring." she smiled.

"Thanks Miss Sidle. You sure everything is okay?" he asked eyeing Grissom.

"Yes James, thank you."

"Alright Miss Sidle see ya later."

"Night James."

"Night Miss Sidle." he replied walking down the hall.

She brought the food into the kitchen and fussed around trying to get some coffee together. She placed the grounds in the filter and turned on the machine. She heard the DJ on the radio and welcomed another voice into the room. She seized this as an opportunity to compose herself.

"Grissom I put some coffee on. I'll be right back." she said walking into the bathroom.

He heard the door shut as the D.J. was finishing his speech

"…here's Martina with 'How Far'"

_There's a boat, I could sail away _

_There's the sky, I could catch a plane _

_There's a train, there's the tracks _

_I could leave and I could choose to not come back _

_Oh, never come back _

She splashed some water on her face, trying to get her footing again.

_There you are, giving up the fight _

_Here I am begging you to try _

_Talk to me, let me in _

_But you just put your wall back up again _

_Oh, when's it gonna end _

Grissom sat up, elbows on his knees again. He laced his fingers together as he rested his forehead on them. Catherine was right…all she wanted was love. His love. She was going to get it.

_How far do I have to go to make you understand _

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't _

_Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are _

_So I'm gonna walk away _

_And it's up to you to say how far _

She wiped her face as she took one last look in the mirror. Now regretting the fact that she took a shower because of the mad mass of curls that covered her head. Brushing her hands through her hair she opened the door and walked towards the kitchen

_There's a chance I could change my mind _

_But I won't, not till you decide _

_What you want, what you need _

_Do you even care if I stay or leave _

_Oh, what's it gonna be _

She saw him sitting there with a look of fear on his face. She walked past him and back into the kitchen her back to the living room. She braced herself with both hands on the counter staring at the coffee, willing it to brew faster.

_How far do I have to go to make you understand _

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't _

_Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are _

_So I'm gonna walk away _

_And it's up to you to say how far _

Grissom looked into the kitchen and saw Sara with her back to him. She looked like she often did when she was looking at evidence on a table in the lab. He got up and made his way into the kitchen.

_Out of this chair, or just across the room _

_Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon _

'Just let me show you' the words she spoke haunted her. She knew she had made a mistake. Suddenly Sara's felt a presence…his presence behind her. That can't be she didn't hear him get up. She slowly raised her head and turned around.

_How far do I have to go to make you understand _

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't _

_Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are _

_So I'm gonna walk away _

_And it's up to you to say _

Her eyes met his and pleaded with him as the words to the song in the background helped convey everything she felt. He placed his hands along the sides of her face, just as he did 2 hours before. This time the ending would be different. So very different.

_Yeah I'm gonna walk away _

_And it's up to you to say how far _

_How far _

"Sara … show me." he whispered and he leaned down and began a kiss that forever changed both their lives


	5. Chapter 5

**How Far 5/6**

A new life was beginning for Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom. Hell, their lives were finally beginning. There they were, in her kitchen, his lips pressed against hers in a simple kiss. Gentle, pure, but full of love and compassion. He gently caressed her face with his hands as he began to pull away from her.

She felt him retreating and moved her hands slowly on his chest moving upward. She placed both hands onto his neck and pulled his head to her as she deepened the kiss. She parted her lips inviting him in. He welcomed the invitation as he moved his hands down her side, locking them around her waist behind her back, pulling her body closer to his.

Their tongues danced as she moved her hands through his hair, changing the direction of the kiss every so often. Meanwhile, his hands explored her back moving up and down in sweet caresses almost light enough to make her shiver.

Grissom knew the kiss had to end if they ever wanted to breathe again. He gently moved his hands under her shirt moving across her stomach and back to settle on her waist. Sensing what he was doing, she pulled her hands from his neck moving them down to the sides of his face as they pulled apart. She held his face as he placed his forehand against hers. Both feeling each others breath on their faces.

She could have stayed like this for hours, but she desperately wanted to see his face. She moved her hands down the side of his face, along his neck, to rest on his shoulders. She pulled back and opened her eyes to find Grissom gazing back at her.

"Sara ... I ... I ... that was ... "

"Yeah, it was," she replied touching her swollen lips smiling.

"Sara ... I ... " he tried to form words.

"I can't believe it. The great Dr. Gil Grissom at a loss of words. Well I'm shocked," she said crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Well, I'm in love."

She stared at him, her eyes becoming glossy.

"I should go," he said removing his hands from her waist.

Sara felt all of the color drain from her face. He was leaving her... again. Seeing the immediate change in her, he pulled her into an embrace running his hands through her curled hair.

"No, no, no, Sara. That came out all wrong. Oh ... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that," he pulled away from her just enough to look in her eyes.

"I'm an idiot sometimes, please forgive me. This day has just been so overwhelming in every way. I go from thinking I would never have you, to 'this'. To us ... here ... right now ... together. Debbie's case ... it ... messed with me. That combined with the fact I just worked 36 plus hours straight, I am just exhausted. I want to be with you more than anything. I want to give you all of me Sara. But I'm just not that person right now, you deserve 100% of me, now I'm only at a 30% ... maybe. Am I making any sense? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" he asked

She nodded and sighed. He kissed her again, this time sweeter, careful not to let things get to involved. He broke them apart resting his forehead to hers once again.

"Stay," she whispered; her breathe across his lips.

"I told you Sara ..." he started.

"I'll take the couch. You take my bedroom. Please Grissom. I don't want to be anywhere your not. I don't think I can. Please?" she asked as she kissed him.

"Alright, but I want the couch."

"No, you need a good rest. Take my bed."

"Sara, it's the couch or no deal."

"But Grissom … "

"Listen to me Sara. The first time I sleep in your bed is only going to be after I've loved you … " he kissed her and whispered into her mouth "… made love to you," he kissed her again. "Okay?"

"Okay," she said pulling away from him.

"Um, Grissom, I'm going to go and grab a pillow and some blankets, can you put the food in the fridge and …"

"I got it Sara," he replied

He watched her walk away into the bedroom. She found an extra pillow, a sheet, and a heavier blanket. Just in case it got colder. She walked back into the living room and began making a bed on the couch. She glanced up to see Grissom turning off the coffee and dumping it's wasted brew down the sink.

After he finished cleaning up, he walked into the living room turning off the stereo as he went. He watched her make him a home on her couch and wondered what he ever did to deserve Sara Sidle. He sat down on the couch and removed his shoes. He laid down on his side and flopped the blanket on top of him as she scuffled tiding up the room.

When she saw he was tucked away, she knelt down in front of him, grazing her fingers over his hair, she placed a kiss on his forehead. He reached a hand out from under the blanket and took hold of her hand intertwining their fingers. He sat up slightly, leaning on his elbow for support, he kissed her with a deeper passion than before. They pulled away, both breathless.

"Goodnight Gil," she whispered.

"Goodnight Sara."

She stood up as best she could and walked to turn off the light in the corner. As she walked to her bedroom, Grissom's voice stopped her in the door way.

"Sara? Stay with me?"

She smiled as she walked back to the couch. He opened the blanket and she happily crawled inside. Her back against his chest, he placed and arm under her so she would have pillow. She found his hand and laced her fingers through his.

It was at the moment she felt the blanket drop over them and Grissom's other arm snake around her waist pulling her to him. He kissed her neck before he let his cheek press against hers taking them both into a pleasant slumber.

Somehow through the hour, she had turned so that she was facing him, her head on his chest and her hand over his heart. Their legs were laced together and his arms around her. She finally felt peaceful when she felt his arms grip her tighter and tighter. She opened her eyes and realized he was dreaming. He started to move around in a panic.

"No, No. Leave her. SARA!" he shouted as he awoke with a start.

"Shhh ... I'm here. Grissom ... shh ... I'm right here," she said sitting up looking in his eyes.

"Sara ... you were ... he was ..."

"No, he wasn't. I'm right here," she picked up his hand and placed it over her heart "I've always been right here."

She leaned down and kissed him. He moved his hand from her heart to her neck and pulled her deeper into him. She straddled his hips as she began to move her hands under his shirt, grazing her fingernails on his chest.

Never breaking the kiss, he moved his hands under her shirt and let them glide up and down the skin of her back. He felt her start to move his shirt up his body and reluctantly removed his hands from her back and over his head.

She broke this kiss as his shirt passed between their faces. She threw it into the darkness as she began to kiss him again. She moved her way down his chest, kissing every part of him she could before moving back up to his lips.

"I love you so much Sara," he whispered before she kissed him lightly.

"Show me how much," she replied as she stood from the couch taking his hand in hers, leading him into the bedroom.


	6. Chapter 6

**How Far 6/6**

He began to follow her into the bedroom when he suddenly stopped, dragging her back to him. He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and began kissing her neck. He moved along her shoulder, slightly biting as he went. He kissed his way across her neck to her other shoulder. When he reached the tip, he bit down leaving a mark on her skin. She moaned in pleasure as her hands went behind her to touch his neck.

She turned herself around to find his lips waiting to crush upon hers. With his hands around her waist; hers around his neck, they moved as one into the bedroom. His lips never leaving hers.

They reached the bedroom with Sara's hands exploring his chest. Lightly scraping his skin with her fingernails. She began to kiss her way down his chest until she was kneeling in front of him.

She looked straight into his eyes as she undid the button to his pants. Eyes never straying from his, she pulled the zipper down and reached up to the waist band and peeled them off him slowly.

As Grissom stepped out of them, he felt her kiss her way along the seam of his boxers. She was moving around to his back As she did, her hands slid up his legs and slightly brushed across his growing erection, just as if it had been by accident. He could tell she loved teasing him.

She kissed her way up his spine, as her hands moved around him in an eager need to touch his chest. Her fingers traced his nipples, as her tongue came up to lick behind each of his ears. She kissed her way out to the tip of his shoulder and bit down. Grissom winced slightly at the harsh contact.

She moved around to face him; hands around his neck she kissed with all her might.

"Now we match." she whispered

"You are wearing way to many clothes for us to be matching." he relied with an eyebrow raised.

His hands slid up her sides moving her tank top with them. It soon joined his pants in the pile they were building on the floor. His lips came down upon hers and his hands massaged her breasts, teasing her nipples with his thumbs.

He felt them harden even through the material of her black bra. He moved his hands to her shoulders as she moaned in his mouth at the loss of contact.

With her arms around his neck, she tried to pull his tongue further into her mouth. He moved the straps of her bra down her shoulders and felt her shiver at the lightness of his touch. He put his hands inside the cup of her bra feeling her bare breasts for the first time. Her skin was as smooth as silk. She moaned as his hands began his assault on her breasts once again.

He broke the kiss as he reached behind her to unhook the now useless piece of clothing. He pushed it gently down her arms and watched it fall to the floor. His eyes traveled back up her slender form finding her eyes waiting for him.

"You are so beautiful Sara. So beautiful." He said as he dipped down dying to taste her flesh.

He kissed and teased each of her breasts with his tongue. Spending equal, loving time on each. She shivered as the cool air hit a spot still wet from his kiss. Unable to take anymore she grabbed his head, moving it back up her body. She desperately need to feel his lips on her again.

She devoured his mouth as it came into contact with hers. She needed him. He needed her. Grissom grew even more aroused when she pressed her bare chest to his. Making it a personal goal to have every each of her chest touching his.

"God, Sara you feel so good." he breathed in between kisses.

He moved his hands over her breasts and continued downward removing her track pants along the way. She stood before him wearing nothing but a thin, black lace thong. He began to wonder what did her ever do to deserve the sight that was in front of him.

She stepped out of the pants as Grissom's hands traveled up her legs stopping their climb as they reached the material covering her.

He rubbed her through the already wet stood up and kissed her mouth with a fire like passion. His hand moved up just far enough to get inside the material and trace her inside softly with his fingers.

"Oh God Gil!" she said as she arched her head back.

"You're so wet Sara. All of this for me?"

"Only for you."

He removed his fingers and brought them to his lips tasting the sweetness that was Sara Sidle.

"Mmmm ... you taste so good."

She pulled him to her, needing to feel his body next to hers. She could still taste herself on his tongue and that aroused her even more. They moved closer to the bed as one and stopped when Sara felt the foot of the bed hit the back of her legs.

She placed a trail of kisses down his chest until she was sitting on the edge of the bed. Her hands moved past the seam of his boxers down to the ends and slowly pulled them down releasing him for the cotton confides.

"All this for me?" she asked with adevilish gleam in her eyes.

"Only for you" he replied and he pushed into her on the bed.

Locked in a kiss, they moved up the bed together. Grissom gently placed Sara's head on her pillow and sat up just gazingat her. Curls flowing across the pillow, lips swollen and red, eyes full of desire.

"You look like an angel Sara."

She reached up and touch his cheek. He turned his head and kissed her hand moving all the way up her arm making it back to the mouth he just couldn't seem to get enough of. His hand reached down into her panties and rubbed her, matching the rhythm of his fingers to the rhythm of his tongue. She arched her back grinding into him. She moan and gasped when he reached her center.

She scratched his back pulling herself into him as she continued to feel inside her.

"Gil … please … need you now," she managed between breaths.

He moved his hand out of her and grabbed the thin piece of material. The only thing that was separating them from what they had alway desired. He moved it down her legs for what seemed like an eternity until he discarded the thongon the floor.

He placed a kiss on her lips before mesettled himself in-between her legs.

"Sara … um …I don't have any…" he said getting embarrassed

"Pill."

"God Sara, Do you know how much I love you?"

"Show me."

With that he moved inside her. Both moaning at the contact of skin on skin. He stayed inside her for a moment, capturing her lips for a kiss. She pulled his head down to kiss his neck

"Love me Grissom … make love to me." she whispered

He began thrusting inside her slow and gentle. But desire and passion so came over him as he began to move faster. She welcomed the escalading pace as she wrapped her legs around his waist, urging him deeper inside her.

"You feel so good Sara." he said kissing her.

He moved faster inside her as she arched her back urging him on. He looked down at her and saw her eyes closed.

"Open you eyes Sara. I want to see you. I want you to see us."

She obeyed and found his eyes drawing him into a kiss. He took one hand and locked their fingers together. He pulled his face from hers never breaking the pace between their two bodies. He looked into her eyes.

"Everything together Sara."

"Everything. Always. Forever. Oh…Grissom I'm so close."

Pulling almost all the way out of her and thrusting back into her was absolute ecstasy. He increased the pace. She released his hand and place both of hers on the sides of his face.

"Almost there Sara!"

"Come with me Gil!"

"Together always Sara." he said as he released inside of her.

"Always" she cried out as her release came.

He collapsed on top of her, both shaking as their passion subsided. She clung to him as if it was their last night on earth. Tears fell from her eyes. When he heard her sniff like she was crying, he moved them so they were side by side. He moved to pull out of her and she pulled him closer.

"Just a little longer Grissom. Please…I just want to feel you in me a little longer."

"Sara, you're crying, are you okay? Did I hurt you?" he asked full of concern.

"No. No, Gil these are good tears. Very good tears."

"Please don't cry around me. It's … confusing," he said wiping the tears from her face.

She began to laugh and her laughter filled the whole apartment.

"You're the one who is confusing!" she smiled.

"Yeah, but you love me anyway right?"

"No" she kissed him, "I love you because."

The End

You like it? You hate it? Let me know please review!


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